When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
