just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
