I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I still have a little drunk in my system
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
