I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
