She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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