I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
