Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
