2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
