I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
