Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
