Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
