I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
