Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
