I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
