I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
