oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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