i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
