so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
