when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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