Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
