don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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