There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
