i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
