I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
