After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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