i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
