you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
