How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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