After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
