i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
