According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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