you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
