did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
