Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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