I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
