My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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