My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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