just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
