just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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