We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
pray to the hookup gods
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