so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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