The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She bit a glass in half.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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