saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
