i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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