He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Randomize
