Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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