So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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