I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
