oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
