ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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