I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it was like eating out sand paper
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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